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Letter from Austin to Lydia

Rant 0144

Letter from Austin to Lydia
Date: October 30, 1997.


This is for you that broke away from love.

Dear Lydia,
It is not very hard to believe that our intimacy is now far. We were not naive when we started but we were young but we knew what we were doing, I'm sure we did. I still can not forget the day at the basement where we looked so straight into our eye for so long; I wanted to count stars in your eye, I felt I needed to pick it. In lieu of that, I was interested at counting the number of times you'll blink/wink your eye and I, darling Lydia, I told you I lose count. Because you said you cannot stare into my eye for so long because you'll make a quicker blink/wink no matter how serious you want to seem because you are afraid, you're afraid of the connection; and we can just osculate after a long look. But that day, your confession did not matter. I remember. How we held hands together and walked to the park. You said you do not want me to carry your bag for you but I told you I love it. That I will carry it. That I will carry you.

I remember the day we wanted to kiss ourselves. I had fed you with Nollywood movies to train you to kiss and you had said you have learnt. I remember you telling me I need to know how to twist my waist and I had to learn how to dance Limpopo by Kcee. (I have still not forgotten that dance). I danced at the park for you. You were just smiling, My Smiling Angel. When we wanted to kiss, we planned to meet after class for that day. You said you'll like it in an empty class with closed doors and windows; where nobody can see us. I was still young not to think beyond a kiss. There is a paradise in your body that I didn't discover that day. You asked me to come first, I asked you to come first. We did that for a long time, we were shy of ourselves, maybe our bodies or the kiss; the way it is done that we couldn't do it. I remember that we had to let go ourselves later, after a lock of our lips and a sudden fervour that sprung up between us that day. We didn't understand it. I remember you gave up and let out a thick breath which I caught and you, I remember you falling on my shoulder helplessly yet, amorously. Did I tell you your hair smelled so pleasantly and dainty?

The day you came to class with your breakfast. And you told me to eat it. Don't think I did not want to eat it, I just wanted to be assured you're fine too. I wanted to lift a spoon to your mouth but the ever perturbing Mathematics teacher came in and called me a lazy student and a below average student at mathematics. He didn't know the only mathematics I had on my head was your body and how to solve the simultaneous equation of a kiss raised to power X: your hands and legs apart. The teacher didn't know I knew the mathematics of your body. I saw your reaction, I saw that you adjusted your seat and he called you out to solve an equation. I swear I couldn't see the board. Your body is the best graphics I'd ever seen. But I could not talk, I never could talk.

You feel you didn't understand me. I did understand you. I know that I am a broke boy. A boy that manages #20 for recess periods but darling, you know I felt rich then. You know, Dad's got a white car that he uses to take us  half the road to our school before going to his office, thus, leaving us to transport ourselves to our school in a leg-mousine. That is how we felt rich when I was in secondary school. But you know me. You know I have a #10 that I can afford to give you when you need a chewing gum. So you asked me, so that it will not be embarrassing. But you still felt we never understood love, that we were small and naive because we were young and young boys and girls do not know the meaning of love, they only know the mathematics of the body of their partner, and the chemistry of kisses.

I remember we really do love ourselves. That we may just not be able to cope. Because you never understand me and I felt, ... I knew you already, my love. But there are some things I never knew.
         That you too like money
             that you are a big girl too
                 that you need a guy that'll call you on phone
                      that you need someone to smile at you
and keep your smile.

I kept your smile for long, you know? The way you do it, without your dimple. So sharp curved and straight and thin and...like a touch of wave on an ocean: the way it's never stable, I kept that smile for long. And you know, you know I didn't know that we'll break apart so soon. And that we will not always say I love you because the word is too common, I swear, you know it has been abused.

Many things do not work our own way. That is why we are human. I still have the scar on my shoulder: The day my Proprietress flogged me for falling in love with a church girl. I still have the marks, fainting on my shoulder. Peradventure, I'll tell my kids their Dad was a lover who was never a coward when it comes to the issue of the heart. That I became so vulnerable and... a lover of melancholy. That i had a premature love too (because she believes we never understood love). But you only bowed down your head each time our eyes meet, that you feel sorry for me, that half of the student of the school came out to witness the bliss of flogging a Senior Secondary School student with his jacket of superiority on him, you didn't pity a denying love. But we were fine. Now, we are never fine. You were not complex, you only insisted we were kids forgetting we shared a box of emotion on 2go. I remember how much I wait for you every Monday, after church, waiting for you to be online while I glue myself to that mysterious Itel phone. Those days, I told you to call me sweet names like Sugar, Honey, Darling...

But now, things have changed and we are not the same again. We are apart but you know, I know that we want to eat ourselves.

          You are a hard plot
             but a beautiful story.
that I never understood until I lived.

In a way, a next life should correct itself into a beautiful plot and a beautiful story.

                                                        Your Austin.

12/07/2018
"words from the innocent mind"
Akinwale Peace Akindayo
Philip Peace

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